Neurodivergent or neurodiverse people have their own unique way of navigating the neurotypical world. It’s no better or worse than the average person, but it is different.
Communication is the framework for any type of relationship, but it can be challenging with someone who is neurodiverse. Here are some ways to manage this with your partner.
ADHD and Relationship Boredom
It’s important to remember that some of the hallmarks of ADHD may include seeking dopamine and serotonin through novelty, challenges, and excitement. While this is true for many people, it can be more pronounced in ADHD folks. Unfortunately, this need can be confused with simply being checked out of the relationship, or even dissatisfaction. Take this into account when assessing relationship satisfaction and try to dig deeper about what may or may not be working for you.
Choose Your Timing Thoughtfully
Timing is key for most things in life. This holds true with communication, especially relating to important conversations. Generally, you want to avoid hurried conversations when either of you is rushing, talking in exhaustion, at times of hunger, or when multitasking.
With neurotypical partners, conversations may be able to happen on a whim when other factors are favorable. With a neurodiverse partner, however, you may need to do some pre-planning to schedule this conversation. Allowing for proper mental preparation and planning will support your partner’s needs and hopefully set you up for a more successful conversation.
Support NEURODiVERSE Processing Needs
Think about a conversation gone wrong with a friend or family member that resulted solely from a misunderstanding. It’s so easy to do with various means of communication (text, email, phone calls, or in person). Once the misunderstanding was realized, how quickly did that return to normal? These types of conversations with a neurotypical person occur spontaneously during day-to-day life. The bounce back is much easier.
With a neurodiverse partner, while you may need to schedule a time for an important discussion, you may also need to provide the itinerary in advance. Your partner might require more time to prepare for the topic at hand and process their thoughts and feelings ahead of time. By creating this prep time, you are giving your partner less of a chance to hit that misunderstanding point.
Be Mindful Of Your Delivery
Important conversations can lead to heightened emotions and charged wording. With a neurodiverse partner, you need to establish ground rules of sorts. In order to promote the best outcomes, you should set your intentions. What are your goals for communication, and what is the feedback you are looking for? Establish clear reasoning or context for the conversation. Be very direct but also neutral in your delivery. No one likes to feel criticized or attacked. They may need more than the immediate time frame to be able to integrate new information and behaviors into daily life.
Provide Clear And Direct Information
It can be quite challenging if you or your partner have to do guesswork to decipher what the other one is feeling. Being vague can open the door to further miscommunication and misunderstanding. Articulate your feelings clearly, and don’t be afraid to say what is on your mind. No single person is a mindreader. The only way to convey your thoughts to your partner is to state them specifically.
Asterisk this point right here! With a neurodiverse partner, the key to problem-solving and strong communication is being open and honest. They will have more difficulty reading between the lines or guessing what’s on your mind. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Offer A Time Out If Needed
Depending on how your partner receives your information, you may need to break up the conversation into parts. You don’t want to overload them with too much all at once, especially if they struggle with processing. Offer a break, a half-time, a time-out, etc., for your partner to reset their brain and system. After taking a moment away, they may be able to process more information and remain level-headed. This can also reduce any dismissive or agitated behavior from an overload.
Relationships with a neurodivergent partner
It is impossible to cover all the nuances of these relationships, but hopefully naming these suggestions can help you and your loved ones come up with your own ways to communicating.
Are you and your partner struggling with communication? Does it become frustrating and unproductive whenever you try to have important discussions? Let’s discuss your situation and find a method to open the lines of communication.
Read more about Neurodivergent Affirmative Therapy here.